epiphanies

i hate when i have epiphanies but i don’t have a pen or paper to jot it down so then later on i can’t remember what my epiphany was but i don’t forget that i had one. i wonder how many epiphanies i’ve forgotten but i also managed to forget that i had one at all. that being said today at the dining hall i realized some things. 

i realized i changed. i’m not sure how it happened. but i realized if someone bumped into me and my coffee spilled i would have to think twice rather than automatically spilling it on myself. and i could blame it on a long day. but i don’t think 15 year old me would have to think twice. i don’t know when this happened but it has and it makes me sad. 

another thing i realized at the dining hall a few days ago was that i think i do a lot of things unconsciously. like i’ve done something once before because it was a good idea/i wanted to/for reasons. and then like newton’s first law or something i just keep doing it cause i had rationalized the action once before. i realized this when i kept getting a salad everyday and then i eventually got bored of it and not really eating it. thing is i still would get a plate and get the same 8 things. and i’d still be a little excited cause it was something i didn’t have to think about. like i knew the movements. kind of like muscle memory. i knew what to get so i kept getting it. even though if i thought about it. i just didn’t want a salad. now this is somewhat of a bad example cause like imma have to eat salad whether i want to or not. but it’s just the action that made me think of this muscle memory first law phenomenon. i just realized i was still excited about making my salad but not excited to eat it is basically what this whole paragraph is talking about…. another riveting example: my yogurt. i’ll spend half an hour cutting my fruit into teeny tiny pieces and then crunching granola and layering them in this presentable way but then i just won’t want to eat it. there’s a small possibility that i just like crating food dishes. i think this is scary cause it kind of means i enjoy menial tasks? that don’t require a lot of thinking. which is scary as a part of the human race. sigh. 

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